EmmyChels's Xanga

Happy Birthday Chels

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 06:54:09 GMT

Chels will be turning 9 this Friday. And although I know that I have done some things to make her life not as beautiful and perfect as it should be. I can say that I'm back on track to give her a great start to a fulfilling life ahead.

Despite what happened with her dad, I know that she has brought me immense pride and joy since she came into my life.

I had spent the last few weeks trawling old albums and finding photographs and scanning them to showcase how much she has grown, but sigh..... my hard disk crashed and I'm left with these. But in their small way, it shows my little princess as she smiled her way into the hearts of everyone who knows her.

Chels in K1, she would have been about 4 plus in this pic

She just brings so much joy and hope to me with her smiles

Flamenco dance costume for her K2 graduation, Still remember how proud I was when she was chosen to make the thank you speech for the whole graduating class. And she nailed the whole speech without forgetting a single word.

First day of school at P1. She was so nervous that day, and now she is a pro at school.

Her 7th birthday.

Her 8th Birthday.

I hope to take some more pics of her 8th birthday celebration on Friday and load them up soon.

The Point of No Return

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 11:58:51 GMT

Chels will be turning 9 in two weeks. And as I had promised the ex that we will still include him in the important events in her life, I asked Chels to call him and ask if he had planned to do anything for her or with her.

Major major mistake, its either I had some memory lost or I was trying too hard to be nice. How could I have forgotten the man who had dismantled the water feature just days before her 8th birthday to bring back to his mom's house. This was despite my mom, someone from the older generation reasoning with him that Chels had invited a few friends over for her 8th birthday and it would look weird to have that empty table sitting at the entrance of the house. Anyway, it was either my memory lost or me being magnaminous.

So Chels calls him and asks if he had any comments about what to do for her birthday, he shoots her many questions she was unable to answer and the poor girl, tongue tied had passed the phone to me to talk to her father.

I went straight to the point and asked him what he intended to do for her birthday and he asked me "What day is it?" YES!!!!! You read right, he asked me what day is it. I kind of lashed out at him and asked him what kind of father he was among other things.

So to cut it short I told him I wanted to keep it simple this year and just have a meal and gave him the option to join us. He said he had to think about it. A day later he SMSed me and said ok, he will come and pay a portion of the dinner bill.

When he came this weekend, He told Chels that he will not be paying anything for the dinner and will also not buy her a cake. My mom was really shocked, she asked him whether it was because he didn't want to involve the family and offered to not join the dinner. He still refused to answer and left. After two hours, he calls and says he will join the dinner and after another two hours SMSes again to say he won't.

Well, that's the kind of man he is, well at least without him in the picture I can just plan a nice meal for ourselves. What scares and irritates me the most is that there is still 2 weeks to her birthday, how many more times is he going to call to say he wants to come or doesn't want to come.

My parents were royally pissed with him and told me to put my foot down. Since he already said twice he won't be joining, do not allow him to join again. If he did, he'd end up spoiling everyone's day anyway. I really hope he keeps to his word and not turn up to spoil the fun on Chels' birthday.

What an Absolutely Lousy Day

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 11:45:48 GMT

I'm actually very thankful that I managed to get this job at a leading bank and I get paid just rnough to get by each month. But working for someone with no morals and is foul mouthed just gets to me sometimes.

I know I can look at it as none of my business, but to work for someone whose first emails of the day are all his private stuff, for example -

has the insurers paid my claim? (which incidentally he is cheating on as he claimed from more than one party),
has the book I ordered (for friend, daughter etc) arrived?
has immigration approved my cousin's stay for a longer period?

Whilst more important emails like approval of expenses, approval of million dollar loans are all "forgotten" until a second, third or fourth reminder is sent.

He harps and raves and calls everyone f*^king morons and f*^king idiots when they refuse to pay claims for his children's immunisation which is not covered by company insurance. Although the reimbursement would have just been a measly sum of S$10, he chases me for it like his next meal depended on it. What makes me mad is that this is the same person whose one month salary is my one YEARS salary, who bought a coffee table that costs the same amount as my whole living room's furniture, the cost of his two cars can buy over my whole house. And yet he raves about S$10!!!!!!!!

It's just so unfair... But I need the job and so I must TOLERATE. Sigh...................

Ramblings

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 10:41:01 GMT

I can't believe I've not blogged for such a long time, how long I've neglected this blog. Its not like I'm that busy that I do not even have time for anything. If I made the effort, I could put in a post a week or maybe more.

Its not like I have nothing worthwhile to write about. I have some great pics of Chels and me to show, I won star letter in a local magazine and the prize is a one night weekend stay at a VERY good hotel. I did some parent volunteer work at Chels's school and there are some interesting moments there too.

Maybe I lack the discipline and or maybe I'm just lazy. But whatever it is, I realise that this blog is something I do not want to let go of. I realise that this is where I had penned down some of my thoughts when I was at my most depressed and this is also where I got the support during those moments.

I really want to continue and I guess I just have to start from scratch again. I wonder if I should sign up with some other blog provider or just continue here.

To push myself, I'm announcing that I intend to do something really special for Chels and I hope it will be ready in time for her birthday on the 2nd of November.

Wish me luck.

Photos

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 11:52:03 GMT

A pic with Chels at the Swan lake, DC had brought us there last Saturday, he promised to bring Chels to feed the swans.

I was coaxed into taking a pic with this corny pose.

Chels and me at the Swan Lake,

A pic of my mom and Chels taken together with the Member of Parliament in our area. Chels was receiving the award for being in the among the top students in the constituency. This was taken at the end of last year, and I never had the time to upload it

6 weeks in 5 minutes

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 12:19:28 GMT

Wow.... has it been that long since I updated? I'm just too caught up in everything and really didn't have the inclination to put all my thoughts into words.

Well haphazardly, some of the things that happened to me in the last 6 weeks :

On the Medical Front

The neurologist found something weird with my eye and referred me to an eye specialist. The eye specialist could not come up with any answer except to say that my pupils are clinically larger than normal.... sigh.... that set me back an extra $83 in consultation fees.

But the medication prescribed by the neurologist seemed to be working, I've only had 3 attacks in the last 6 weeks, and believe me, for me that is considered good.

On the Home Front

Chels had her 4 week break and I took a few days off to spend some time with her, she was really happy and we had some really fun times together. She has grown so much, she is much taller now, though still as thin. I'm having problems with my PC and once I figure that out, I'll try to load some updated pics of her.

On the Romantic Front

DC has been fetching me to work every morning, He has to wake up at 5am, in order to make it to my place by 7.00am. We normally reach the business district by 7.40. We take a walk around the Singapore River for about half an hour before he drops me off at my office at 8.15 and heads off to work himself.

This morning, we even headed out at 6.30am to have breakfast. I'd normally sleep more, but I felt these morning walks really lifted my mood and so didn't mind waking up slightly earlier this morning.

On the Work Front

My boss has been having some bad mood swings, but I'm learning to take it all in my stride. At least it helps that he is rude and critical to every body when he has a bad day and not only to me.

On the Arrrggghhhhh Front

Why is mom so hard to please, I went to Far East Square for lunch today and passed by a cake shop that sold traditional Chinese cakes, there was quite a crowd and the stuff was rather cheap, so I bought some to try. And know what, she had to comment that it was nothing fantastic.. **rolling eyes** Out of 10 times that we bring her somewhere new or buy something back, 9 times, she will comment its lousy or not nice..... Sigh...... Why why why.....

Happy Mother's Day

Sat, 12 May 2007 03:29:32 GMT

Tomorros is Mother's Day, to some its just a big marketing gimmick. But still its a good reminder to tell mom that we appreciate what she has done for us. And as mothers ourselves, its still nice to receive a card or gift from our little sweethearts.

This year, Chels' school entered some of thier students letters to mom to Awfully Chocolate's Mother's day contest. Chels was one of those selected to enter. She didn't win, the eventual winner was an 11 year old girl from one of the more popular schools. But needless to say, to this mother, her darling Chels is a winner. This what her entry looks like

Her letter might have been simple, but to me it shows that she remembers and appreciates what I did. That to me is already sufficient knowing that whatever choices and sacrifices I made are wothwhile.

Hope all my friends out there have a great Mother's Day too.

Only half the Head

Sun, 06 May 2007 07:38:58 GMT

That's what Hemicrania means, the French word from which the word migraine orginated from.

This throbbing on the left side of my head, with the pain extending to my left eye and part of the left side of my face coupled with great sensitivity to light and a horrid nauseaous feeling has been my daily companion for the past few months.

I hate to admit it, but this stupid migraine is getting to me. The pain is getting more severe and the attacks more frequent. Where paracetomol used to work a few years ago, now even nurofen and even synflex does not work anymore. Sometimes in extreme cases, even cafegot does not work.

I'm even embarrased to let anyone know that I'm having migraine again and embarassed to once again visit the doctor for more medicine as my supply runs out. But the pain often over-rides the embarrasment and I throd to the doctor's office for my regular dose of drugs.

Now the doctor has seen how much of medicine they have been dispensing to me in the last 6 months and have recommended that I go to NNI (National Neuroscience Institute) to get checked by a specialist. I've not gotten an appointment date - well, going to a government hospital is such that you have to not only wait a long time to see the doctor, the appointment dates take some time as well.

I'm not too thrilled about going there, I've never been fond of hospitals, in fact as a kid I was terrified and would get nightmares after visiting one. Well on the bright side, if the specialist gives me the all clear at least I know that its just a normal migraine and I'll learn to manage the pain, attacks and medication.

I'm not even thinking of what else could be causing the pain. I can be quite morbid, I don't fear death, I even often think of my own wake, imagining how it will be like. But the only thing that worries me is Chels. No one will ever be able to take care of her like I do and even the event of my early departure she will be the one to have to suffer the most........

Just one of those Days

Thu, 03 May 2007 11:52:38 GMT

Sigh.... this evening is just another one of those days that stress me out and depresses me so.

Chels had left this slip of paper in her uniform pocket. She had been bringing and eating fruits for the past week and each time the kids showed the teacher the core, seeds or stem from the eaten fruits, they'd get a stamp. After completing the whole sheet, they will be rewarded with a little gift. It was this sheet of paper that she left in her pocket. The uniform was sent for washing and the paper came out ruined.

Now the gift that the child would get would have been something I could get from any bok store or gift shop. But kids being kids, what they had earned was more important. So now I had a crying child. And on the other side of the ring, I had her doting grandfather - the one who admonishes me for being tough on her sometimes - Who decides to play hard-ball with her tonight.

I was trying to pacify her and tell her to just show the teacher the ruined piece and get another piece. But dad had to nag, grumble, scold her and make her cry even more. What's worse? He chides me for being too soft. This coming from the man who thinks I'm a bad mother whenever I try to discipline her.

Somehow, on paper it doesn't sound so bad, I know many mothers go through this. But it is days like this where I wish I had someone to lean on, someone to share the burden with. Strong arms and broad shoulders to cry on. Maybe some people may think its no big deal, but then maybe you never lacked this. Thinking back, even during my 10 year marriage, out of which 7 years we were supposed to be parenting together, I had borned all such kinds of days alone.

Is it then small wonder that I crave to be in the safety and security of a man? Maybe this idea of a man providing the safety and security doesn't exist. Maybe all the happily married couples I know don't get this too. But I can dream can't I?

Haphazard Update Entry

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 02:48:50 GMT

I am such a lazy un-disciplined bum - hence the lack of updates. Enough excuses about being tired on weekdays- I could have at least updated on weekends - but just could not sit my fat butt down to write an entry.

The only reason I am here right now is that Chels is doing her homework and wants me to be in the same room as her. I've cleared all my emails - 134 of them. I've scanned through the parenting forum I used to frequent - but now only have time for occasionally. And dear Chels still have not completed her homework. So here I am now, updating my blog. Its been so long and I have so much to say, I don't know where to start.

First of all - in answer to some who asked if my sis did give the password to the ex-man - Well, she did not give it to him, BUT she came over and logged on for him.

OK, so work's been normal, I'll be making a real concerted effort to stay put in this job. I'm too old to be looking for another job and this organisation is really quite ok although sometimes we drown in red-tape. But with my qualifications, the pay helps me get by and I hope that I do well enough to get a nice bonus sat the end of the year.

Of course on my daily journeys on the train - there are some funny/gross/stupid incidents to write about - like that man who was standing beside me and picking his nose like there's no tomorrow. I got a little disgusted and inched away from him. He made a rude remark that freaked me out so much, I actually got out at the next stop although I had not reached my destination. Sigh.... sometimes I swear I'm such a scaredy cat.

On a more happy note, Chels and me have had some fun times with DC - don't know you if you remember him, he's the one that includes Chels in some of our dates - brought us to see the National Day fireworks, to Chinese Garden to see the lanterns, drive to the furthest place to find something I felt like eating, drive all over to buy a study table for Chels and help to fix it up.

However, DC is still not Prince Charming - dad and mom, in fact even sis and bro don't like him. I'm not making any decisions about him yet. Just that sometimes he does make me feel really like a princess - and you know how much a girl likes to feel like a princess.

So until the next time, take care !!